Observations of: France part 1

I lived in France for about a year working with a French company in 2004. My first assignment was in an EXTREMELY small village that had all of 50 residents. Yes, you read that right, 50 people! The company I was with doubled the size of the population while we were there. These were two part observations for France as I knew what I observed for small village France would not be the same once I got to bigger cities. With that, in France I noticed….

LouvreFrance has been invaded twice by Germany in the last 90 years, had German troops goose stepping down the Champs-Elysees in Paris and everything. You would think that they hate Germans more than anything right? Wrong! They hate people from England like they invaded France twice in the last 90 years and had British troops marching down the main avenue in their capital city. And it was the English who helped them out in both World Wars! I don’t get it. You ask a Frenchman about Germans and he says they are OK people. Ask him about an Englishman and they get so upset they get foamed at the mouth and go on for hours. They talk about wars that happened 400 hundred years ago!! Get over it already! MAYBE, the French are afraid of the Germans like Craig and Smokey are afraid of Deebo in Friday the movie! And they think if they talk about the Germans they will invade them again! They know if they talk about the English, they won’t do a damn thing about it. It would explain a lot of things.

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The ‘Stank Face’

Everyone talks about how smelly the French are and how they don’t take showers. I am here to tell you that it is not true. Actually, it isn’t completely true. The French just have really weak deodorant. If they barely break a sweat it wears off, after 5pm it’s worn off. I think, that people who think French people are stank, met a French person AFTER 5pm who was running late and had to run to the meeting! If they made their deodorant stronger people wouldn’t have that assumption of Frenchies.

One VERY interesting thing here I have observed. The site I am at has French cable. Having French cable you would assume all the stations are in French right? Wrong! Most of the stations are in GERMAN! At first, I couldn’t figure it out. Then I thought about it. If your country bordered another country that was always invading you, wouldn’t you want to know what the hell they were doing?? I guess the French figure that if they watch German TV; the Germans might broadcast the attack plans if they ever get the urge to march through Paris again. News at 11 on German CNN, “Ve are gozing to attack Franze againz. Pleaze makez outz a list of French perfumez and wines you wish to have on our soldierz triumphant return.” After that announcement, the French decide to hold a serious of talks and discussions if they are going to mobilize their military or hope the U.S. and U.K. save their asses yet again. Sounds crazy? Yes. But how else do you explain it??

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Frenchies just don’t KNOW!!

French Cuisine isn’t all it is made out to be. Maybe because I am ghetto and am still happy with Kool-aid, fish and cheese grits and Now & Laters. The food is so bland. They only seasoning they use is garlic. Garlic in the mashed potatoes, garlic in the scrambled eggs, garlic in the salad. Making me think there are vampires in the area and they are just trying to protect us or something. Also, French people have the weakest tongues. The director here got some BBQ sauce sent from the states. We had the French counselors and students try some. They all acted like we had put fire on their tongues. They said it was too hot. When we have chili con carne, same thing. They act like they are eating straight chili peppers. While we are on French cuisine I need to talk about their love of bread! They eat bread with their meals here like it’s going out of style. That is kind of whatever. How they use their bread is interesting to me. First of all, they never put it on their plate. It’s always placed on the side of the plate on the table. Second, it has to be broken up before eating the first bite. They use their bread like knives to get that last little bit of rice or pasta on to their forks. And after that they literally use the bread to clean their plate. They almost scrub the plate with their bread to get every last single molecule of food off of it. Doesn’t matter if it is salad dressing, corn juice or pasta sauce, they do it with anything.

French people are white. I mean that in the sense that they can’t dance and when you ask them to clap they can’t keep it going for more than 10 seconds without them going faster and faster and faster. And their showers are built for skinny white people. I take a shower and if I turn around at all, my big black ass hits the shower knob and turns the water off or to cold. So I alternate between hot and cold all the time, probably why I caught a cold. I try and not move left or right when I shower, but I always forget and turn and bam! My ass turns the knob to freezing. I know other black and Latin people in France have problems just like I do.

france-pyrenees-montsegurThose are my observations so far of this country. The area I am in is beautiful. I am 30 minutes from the border of Spain up in the Pyrenees Mountains. All the homes are hundreds of years old and passed down through the families. These villages are very poor and very traditional Catholic, so the churches and cathedrals are amazing with all these gold and jewels in the alters. Don’t need to tell you how shocked I was with that! Where I’m from, someone would’ve had a fat gold cross hanging from their neck within minutes of the church being opened. We would see someone walking down the street….”Hey boy, where in the HELL did you get that big ass gold cross from hanging from yo neck! You stole it from da church!? You need Jesus!!”

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