Observations of: New Zealand

In 2003, after meticulously planning a move to Madrid, Spain, I threw logic aside at STA Travel and booked a flight to Auckland, New Zealand instead. My rational? More bang for my buck. A flight to Madrid sold for $834 while a special offer had Auckland at $950. Being as I was employed in New York City at the time, the greater value was obviously New Zealand! I booked, then immediately realized I had about 5 days to learn as much as I could about work restrictions in New Zealand as I had just booked a ticket with the return a year later.

Here are some observations from when I lived in New Zealand. As I recently visited again for the first time in 13 years, it’s interesting for me to see the difference. Also, based on certain pop culture occurrences, it’s clear I’m getting old! Hope you enjoy them, and stay tuned for my updated New Zealand observations!

Every country has slang, I realize that. In New Zealand, the slang they use the most is the word “as.” I’m serious. If something is good or nice, they say, “Sweet as.” Or if a female looks good, they say she was “Fine as.” Me being me, I always got upset and asked, sweet as what???? Or fine as what???? How can you use a word like “as” that implies you are going to make a comparison or show a parallel and then not finish it!!!! I teased everyone here about that. Are they not smart enough to just add another word to the statement? Sweet as honey, or Hot as f*ck, or Fine as hell.

Ok. I’m sure everyone has seen the whole Janet Jackson nipple thing a million times. It was VERY interesting to be in another country while it happened. New Zealand as a country has actually made fun of the United States for how uptight we are. They just assumed we constantly show things like that on T.V. since we only make up 6% of the worlds population but produce 50% of the worlds Pornography. Here, nothing is edited out of radio or T.V. after 8:30pm. Meaning, on regular network T.V., NBC, ABC, FOX, CBS whoever they show ass and titties after 8:30pm. First time I saw it I couldn’t believe it!! They showed the movie Best Man. You know that movie, with Taye Diggs, Morris Chestnut and Nia Long. Anyway, they curse a lot in that movie. Not a single word bleeped or changed. It’s like, why buy cable here if you get to see the unedited version on network TV. Rap songs? You here the FULL version. No clean radio version here after 8:30pm. At first I thought it was too over the top. But when you realize that New Zealand’s teen pregnancy rate is only a quarter of the U.S., there teen drug use is a third of the states, it kind of makes you wonder if we loosened up in the states and started getting into an uproar over our education system, our justice system and our lack of national healthcare what we could accomplish as a nation.

Daily Mail UK
Daily Mail UK photo

Every country has news programs. And every news program has a weather segment. New Zealand needs to get rid of theirs. The Meteorologists are ALWAYS wrong. It’s a national joke here. People watch the Australian news here to get New Zealand weather. December, January and February are the summer months here in New Zealand. At the start they said it was going to be a wet and cold month of December. We had drought like conditions. It was like the Gobi desert here! Everything was brown. Sheep and cows were dying by the hundreds. Then they said the drought was going to continue. This last month has been the wettest in the history of the island!!! It rained for 2 weeks straight at one point. I mean 2 weeks straight!!! No break, no raining for a few hours then it stopped. Constant rain for 2 whole weeks!! People were kayaking to work. Even day to day reports are always wrong. It is so bad; people go on the opposite of what the weather reports are. They say sunny and nice, people take umbrellas and ponchos. They say rain and storms, people plan vacations and picnics. Someone needs to invest in a weather satellite and stop looking outside right before the report and guessing what the day’s weather is going to be.

While we are on the topic of the News Programs, the female anchors here all dress like hoochies. I have seen more cleavage on the 10pm news here than in an Outkast video. Feminine business suits? No. Low cut blouses, zip up jackets only zipped up halfway and see-through shirts are the norm. One night it was so bad I wrote in to the station to say I couldn’t concentrate on the news cause I was staring at the areola of the news presenter she had her jacket open so wide. Madness I tell you.

Every country has national pride. There is nothing wrong with that. But New Zealand takes it to the extreme. Any accomplishment by a Kiwi it’s on the news. Now if it was for sports, or movies, or something like that…. great. How about one night they were showing on all the news programs that a Kiwi female had made the cover of…not Cosmo, not Redbook, not even Playboy. They had a news program about a Kiwi that made the cover of Penthouse. Penthouse??!! And they had a huge segment on it! They re-created how she posed for the magazine. Now, you all know I’m not a prude by any means. But I don’t want to see open-leg coochie shots and bananas being used as penises during the news.

Some of you may not now, but I took up Martial Arts here, Jiu-Jitsu. The owner of the academy also ran a security company. To make extra cash I started working security for him. One of the bars I had to work the door for was this gay bar. It was funny to me to have straight Kiwi guys walk up and ask me what type of bar it was. I would tell them a gay bar and they would have all these jokes and negative things to say about the place and homosexuals, but then they would go down the road and go to a bar that had nothing but guys in the place. The culture here is for men to go to the bar or pub with their guy friends. And they prefer if there are no females there so they can hang out with the fellas. Now, I’m no genius, but isn’t that what gay men do??? They go to bars where there are only men and no women to hang out with the fellas??? I didn’t get that. In the states if a group of guys go out to a bar and there are no women…we are out. And we keep on going till we find a club or bar with females in it.

kiwi-blog (1)I should stay on Kiwi males. Kiwi males pride themselves on being really tough and manly. They make fun of how girly men in the states are constantly. About how we play football and use pads because we can’t take the pain and things like that. Anyway, if they are such men, then why in the hell do they wear such short shorts??? I’m not lying. The men wear shorts here that barely cover their asses. Hooker shorts and steel toe construction boots is the look for every Kiwi male over 35. I have seen enough hairy nuts to last me this lifetime, my next one and a few of you who will read this lifetimes. Disgusting. But they swear they are manly. Wearing ho shorts sitting in bars with all men. I don’t get it.



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